I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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