I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
