I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
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Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
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WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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