so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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