i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
