she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
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We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
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Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.