Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
