Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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