so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize