So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
