I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
