i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
