I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
