he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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