T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
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Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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