I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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