someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
