happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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