i would punch a child for taco bell
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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