hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
