did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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