You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
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I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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