i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hands were made for my vagina.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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