Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
