I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
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