last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city