dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.