My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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