I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
