I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
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She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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