I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
