You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
