I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
