im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
how drunk are you?
Several
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
