do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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