i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
