I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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