i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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