He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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