I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
