Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
