I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize