The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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