if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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