I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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