I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
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I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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