I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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