good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
