just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
