I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
