I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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