i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I got inside last night via doggy door